It's been a while since my last post as life and especially work tend to take me away from writing. I work full time and have a daughter who just turned one. Parenthood has been everything I expected it to be and nothing I expected it to be all rolled into one. I no longer live for myself!..and for me that is a good thing. I've read the articles, I've seen all the Oprahs, etc, etc...you have to put yourself first, you can't give up your life for your children, don't lose your identity, if you don't take care for yourself, you won't be good for them. When I chose to become a parent, I choose to put another person before myself, it didn't just accidentally happen. I no longer have hours of relaxation time, I haven't been to a movie in over a year, I haven't worked out in over a year, I don't get my hair done as often as I use to and my yard, which I use to work in on a regular basis has gone to crap, I have gotten sick more this year than I have since I was a child, and much much more than can be mentioned here... and I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I have a beautifully amazing little girl who I love more than I ever thought imaginable.
For me happiness comes from taking care of someone other than myself. To live outside my own wants and needs and truly give. I haven't lost anything by giving up any of the above, I've gained much, much more. I no longer reside in ME ME land. I never realized how destructive that place could be.
So as always, this leads me to questions, questions about happiness and what it means to me and others. I find happiness in parenting. Now, I just didn't fall into parenting, I sought it out, I pursued it, I knew I wanted it and I jumped through major hoops to become one. Does that make me so much more appreciative of it now that I have it? Perhaps. I use to always wonder what my purpose was, why was I here, why did my existance matter. First I thought I was going to find it in my career, then I thought I'd find it when I got married, but neither of those things brought me true happiness. I never thought that giving up my entire life as I knew it and giving of myself so completely to another human being was so rewarding, but it was. It was exactly what I needed. I am not a taker, I'm a giver! Not a bad thing to discover. I use to think the more I had, the better I looked, the more I acheived, the happier I'd be...nope, not for me. So I found my purpose. Does that in itself bring happiness? If my career had been my purpose would I have been happiest at that point and motherhood would have simply made me unhappy? Here's the real shocker in all this, I didn't want to have children when I was growing up. My idea of happiness was not to be my mother, it was to be a successful career woman with a jetsetting lifestyle. I never really had a jetsetting lifestyle, but I was on a very promising career path. I wasn't happy. How could I have been so wrong?!
So are unhappy people living lives they thought would bring them fulfillment, but didn't. Is there purpose misguided? Will finding their purpose bring them to the happiness they are searching for? Is one's purpose and fulfillment that one thing that is the hardest for them to achieve, as it was for me and parenthood, or is reaching a purposeful goal all that much sweeter because it didn't just fall into your lap?
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