Most of us could probably fill in the blank with something, I'd be happy if...I had more money, if I met the perfect mate, if I found a job I loved, if I didn't have to work, if I lost (put # here) pounds... Before you read any further, put your if down on a piece of paper.
I can't have any children and I read a lot of blogs having to do with infertility. Most of the women are able to overcome their infertility and finally become pregnant. Some will happily have a sucessful pregnancy and become mothers. Some, like myself, will become mothers through adoption or some others will chose to live child free. I'll get off the subject for just a moment to emphasize what I just said there...some will chose to live child free. Although infertility is not a choice, living child free is. Adoption is not for everyone and I understand that, but if one decides it is not for them, it is a decision that they made. If one can not afford adoption through private adoption, there are plenty of children who need parents through the foster program. And hate me for saying this or not, if you don't qualify for adoption, perhaps it is best that you are not a parent.
Back on the subject now. A lot of blogs I read have to deal with the sadness that goes along with not being able to conceive and/or have a child. I get that, I do. I certainly had my moments of unhappiness that came along with the trials of surgeries and procedures, negative results and pregnancy losses. Along those same lines, however, I wasn't depressed, nor was I in a constant state of sadness. After the loss of one pregnancy, I greived, I was sad, I cried...a lot, but I mourned my loss and was able to move on. I don't call that depression, I call that a normal response to a very sad event. What I've noticed lately are posts from women who were able to finally get pregnant and now have a healthy child/children, but after a few months or so realize that they are still not happy. Along with these blogs, I've also noticed women who feel that they will be happy once they are able to finally get pregnant and have a baby. I so want to scream at them, NO YOU WON'T.
Often one falls into the trap of thinking they will be happy only if. I fell right into that trap as well, thank God I realized the trap before I decided I wanted to have children. What I mean by trap is that external things, including people don't make you happy. We see it everyday, the celebrities that appear to have it all, money, fame, power, and yet are completely miserable. They turn to drugs, alcohol, sex to numb to emptiness that they feel. I've always known this and I think a lot of people know this as well, but they still don't get it. I know I didn't.
I think the problem for me was, if all these things won't make me happy, what the heck will? I mean, doesn't it seem that it's all the external things that are making me unhappy, I hate my job, I could lose a few pounds, my husband is being a jerk, etc..... Well, I still hate my job, I still think I could lose a few pounds, and my husband still acts like a jerk sometimes....but I'm happy. I make a choice to be so.
I mentioned in the previous post that now that I'm a mother, I am happier than I've ever been. I also realize that if I wasn't internally happy, being a mother could also make me sad, angry or even depressed. Being a mother is demanding, children up to a certain age are very egocentric. They don't intentionally give much back, they are takers by their very nature. Being a mother/parent in and of itself will not make you happy, as it is with power, fame, money, beauty or as I said, fill in the blank.
So here is my question, as I always have...if most of us realize this and a lot of us do, why is it that we still act the way we do? Why do we still think that "this" will solve our problem and then we will be happy? Now cross out what you wrote down. Trust me it won't.
