I've mentioned in previous posts that I am a mother to a wonderful little girl. I am blessed to be her mother and will never take loving her for granted. I believe in my heart that I am a better person because of her and that I will continue to strive to be even better, because of her. My daughter doesn't share my genes, she doesn't have my eyes, hair or nose. Outside, I have nothing to do with her beauty, inside, I believe that I may have a little more influence.
November is Adoption Awareness Month. I read a lot of blogs and many are written by adoptive parents. Our journeys are sometimes similar, but the stories are uniquely our own. I no longer consider my daughter to be "adopted" or myself to be an "adoptive" mother. She is my daughter, I am her mother. I can't imagine the bond could be any stronger between us had I given birth to her. From the moment my husband and I laid eyes on her, she was our child. That being said, we are not her only parents and the love they have for her is not lessened by the fact that they are not raising her, no more than the love that we have for her is lessened by the fact that we didn't give birth to her.
In my experience, adoption is often misunderstood, from the process to the people involved. I strongly believe in the process of strictly screening all potential adoptive families. To me it is about the safety and well being of the child, not about my personal feelings or right to privacy. In my experience, I found the process to be neither intrusive or overly restrictive. We were questioned, interviewed, screened and fingerprinted, but it was nothing that I didn't understand to be totally necessary. I found it to be way less personally invading than the whole IVF process. With adoption, no one every asked me to strip from the waist down or spread my legs in a room full of strangers...but I digress.
My daughter's other mother is a wonderful, intelligent, and caring woman, who continues to show love and concern for her daughter. She is not a drug addict, whore or any of the other stereotypical images found in the media.
Adoption is expensive, but we are not rich nor are we famous. We may not be Angelina and Brad, but our daughter has everything that she will ever need and we will do all we can to make sure she has every opportunity.
My daughter is not bound by heredity or traditions, she is free to be who she wants to be. We have no preconceived expectations that she will be a good dancer, like her mother or good in English, like her father. She will be able to explore and find her own greatness. We refuse to allow her to be identified as "adopted" as if it makes her strange or different. She is special, not because of where she came from, but because of who she is and who she allows herself to dream and become.
I hope that I have offered a little insight to the beauty of adoption, what it is to us and why I wouldn't have it anyother way.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Neglected
This blog has been EXTREMELY neglected and today I find myself with ten minutes to write before leaving to pick up my daughter from daycare. Not really enough time to write anything more or less anything even the slightest bit interesting. I just will quickly update that I am continuing on my pursuit of happiness. I do have so much more to say about the daily challenges of keeping happiness a priority in my life and doing so with a 21 month old who is finding her own way in this world, developing her own personality and challenging me in every way that she can. I will say that my pursuit no longer just exists for myself, but for my daughter as well. So the challenge exists not only to live a life filled with happiness, but to successfully create a life where my daughter can do so as well. I find it interesting that life still does get in the way, so suggestions about how to slow down and teach this very important lesson to my child on a day to day basis would be greatly appreciated.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Time Flies
I can't believe that last time I posted was April 30th! Wow how time flies. I haven't forgotten about this blog, just haven't had a lot of extra time to write. Then this article, "All Joy and No fun" by Jennifer Senior, was featured on MSN and I decided it was well worth taking the time to post a short blog (or is it blog a short post:)) It was a very good read and I can say that I enjoyed it immensely for it honesty. I would recommend this article to everyone who is contemplating having children.
Having a child, for me, makes me very happy, but not in the way that I thought it would, and I'd thought about being a parent for a long time. I always tell people it is the hardest job you will ever love and I stand by that statement. My daughter is the most delightful little girl, but she is demanding, hard headed and requires a TON of patience. She is not interested at all in making me happy and it's not her job to do that, it's mine.
I stand by my belief that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and I wish that people who have made that decision would stop being judged for it. I think it's extremely responsible to realize what you want in life and what brings you happiness and whether a child(ren) will be part of that equation or NOT.
Having a child, for me, makes me very happy, but not in the way that I thought it would, and I'd thought about being a parent for a long time. I always tell people it is the hardest job you will ever love and I stand by that statement. My daughter is the most delightful little girl, but she is demanding, hard headed and requires a TON of patience. She is not interested at all in making me happy and it's not her job to do that, it's mine.
I stand by my belief that not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and I wish that people who have made that decision would stop being judged for it. I think it's extremely responsible to realize what you want in life and what brings you happiness and whether a child(ren) will be part of that equation or NOT.
Friday, April 30, 2010
What IF..
This is not technically an "infertility blog". I've been down that road, in fact, that's where it all began, blogging about my plight to become a mother. I still stay connected to the community to a certain degree because I'd become invested. Invested in a cause that I feel is worthwhile and invested in the women who have "been there" are "still there" and "will always be there". The reason I stepped away was because I didn't want to be one of the ones that "will always be there".
Recently I participated in part I of a two part project, "Project IF". The first part entailed just "stating your biggest “what if” in regards to infertility." To be honest, this was a very easy thing for me to write about. Part of going through the process of trying to have a baby when subfertile or infertile is constantly questioning things and there are a ton of "what ifs" along the way because there as so many variables, options, choices and decisions to make. I questioned every step along the way, everything I'd done in my past and everything that my decisions could mean for the future. It is a TON of emotional weight to bear.
For me it took time and distance to gain clarity on this period in my life. Often when one is in middle of something it is difficult to see things clearly and of course there is also something to be said about Monday morning quarterbacking. What I know now is if I could go back, I wouldn't do anything differently, so basically, all my "what ifs" were for not. It was a wonderful lesson to learn. What ifs get you no where and the only thing they do is cause anxiety, emotional turmoil and unhappiness.
As I participated in the first part of this project, as mentioned before, I easily came up with a "what If"...and then I thought about it and reminded myself not to go there. I can't change what is already done and I have faith in God that everything that happens in my life, happens for a reason. I believe in myself and that I will face every decision with an open mind and heart, and that I will do my very best to do what's right. It's all I can do and I'm happy with that. So no more "what IFs" for me.
Recently I participated in part I of a two part project, "Project IF". The first part entailed just "stating your biggest “what if” in regards to infertility." To be honest, this was a very easy thing for me to write about. Part of going through the process of trying to have a baby when subfertile or infertile is constantly questioning things and there are a ton of "what ifs" along the way because there as so many variables, options, choices and decisions to make. I questioned every step along the way, everything I'd done in my past and everything that my decisions could mean for the future. It is a TON of emotional weight to bear.
For me it took time and distance to gain clarity on this period in my life. Often when one is in middle of something it is difficult to see things clearly and of course there is also something to be said about Monday morning quarterbacking. What I know now is if I could go back, I wouldn't do anything differently, so basically, all my "what ifs" were for not. It was a wonderful lesson to learn. What ifs get you no where and the only thing they do is cause anxiety, emotional turmoil and unhappiness.
As I participated in the first part of this project, as mentioned before, I easily came up with a "what If"...and then I thought about it and reminded myself not to go there. I can't change what is already done and I have faith in God that everything that happens in my life, happens for a reason. I believe in myself and that I will face every decision with an open mind and heart, and that I will do my very best to do what's right. It's all I can do and I'm happy with that. So no more "what IFs" for me.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The Power Within You
For my lack of posting, I do still read a ton of articles on the Internet. I came across this one on MSN: http://health.msn.com/health-topics/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100256862>1=31009. I highly recommend reading it because it really does focus on how much power we have as individuals when it comes to happiness. I like the part about learning to relax. This for me is still a work in progress. I don't have "a go with the flow" mindset and often find myself stressed over small things. I really have to make a concentrated effort to just relax and when I do, things are so much better.
One of my biggest stresses is my mother-in-law. She will try the patience of a saint and I am NO saint. I try to avoid the woman as much as possible, but as one can imagine, I do have to interact with her more often than I would like. My husband doesn't quite get it, but as time goes by I do notice that he is understanding a little more how I feel and why I feel that way. We had to make a trip to visit her this past weekend and I could feel my stress level rising even before the day of our visit. Just the anticipation of being around her and all the work that goes into carting off a 15 month old on a two hour drive and ten hour visit entailed sent my stress levels soaring. Normally this would have continued right through the weekend and I would have been extremely difficult to deal with until several days later. My natural inclination was stress and it wasn't going to be good for me or anyone else. I had to make a very real effort to just relax. No looking at the clock to see when we were going to leave, go to eat, have dinner ready, get back etc... Clock watching and being on any kind of schedule is pointless with my mother-in-law. She is extremely self-centered, doesn't care if your hungry, until she's hungry and is always late for everything. My husband tends to fall into the late for everything scenario as well. One has to be very easy going to get along in this situation and by nature, I'm not.
One thing I had to remember and one of the many reasons I write here, was that I had the power and by letting her and/or my husband stress me out was giving them power that they did not deserve. Coping meant me having to accommodate their issues and in turn mine as well. Setting myself up for success instead of stress was something I had to make a specific effort to do. I decided I was going to have a good weekend and that with a few changes in my behavior made all the difference. I knew I wasn't going to be able to change them, been trying that and it hasn't worked for me so far, but I can control me. So I didn't rush to leave, going or coming home. I took snacks for when I was hungry and made sure I had meals already done for my daughter. I focused primarily on my daughter and didn't engage in any conversations with my mother-in-law.
The changes I made really did make a difference. I found this to be a wonderful test for being happy even in less that appealing situations. I just have to keep reminding myself everyday that the power really is within me.
What tricks do you use to deal with unpleasant situations to keep your stress levels down and your happiness levels up?
One of my biggest stresses is my mother-in-law. She will try the patience of a saint and I am NO saint. I try to avoid the woman as much as possible, but as one can imagine, I do have to interact with her more often than I would like. My husband doesn't quite get it, but as time goes by I do notice that he is understanding a little more how I feel and why I feel that way. We had to make a trip to visit her this past weekend and I could feel my stress level rising even before the day of our visit. Just the anticipation of being around her and all the work that goes into carting off a 15 month old on a two hour drive and ten hour visit entailed sent my stress levels soaring. Normally this would have continued right through the weekend and I would have been extremely difficult to deal with until several days later. My natural inclination was stress and it wasn't going to be good for me or anyone else. I had to make a very real effort to just relax. No looking at the clock to see when we were going to leave, go to eat, have dinner ready, get back etc... Clock watching and being on any kind of schedule is pointless with my mother-in-law. She is extremely self-centered, doesn't care if your hungry, until she's hungry and is always late for everything. My husband tends to fall into the late for everything scenario as well. One has to be very easy going to get along in this situation and by nature, I'm not.
One thing I had to remember and one of the many reasons I write here, was that I had the power and by letting her and/or my husband stress me out was giving them power that they did not deserve. Coping meant me having to accommodate their issues and in turn mine as well. Setting myself up for success instead of stress was something I had to make a specific effort to do. I decided I was going to have a good weekend and that with a few changes in my behavior made all the difference. I knew I wasn't going to be able to change them, been trying that and it hasn't worked for me so far, but I can control me. So I didn't rush to leave, going or coming home. I took snacks for when I was hungry and made sure I had meals already done for my daughter. I focused primarily on my daughter and didn't engage in any conversations with my mother-in-law.
The changes I made really did make a difference. I found this to be a wonderful test for being happy even in less that appealing situations. I just have to keep reminding myself everyday that the power really is within me.
What tricks do you use to deal with unpleasant situations to keep your stress levels down and your happiness levels up?
Monday, March 29, 2010
I'd be happy if...
Most of us could probably fill in the blank with something, I'd be happy if...I had more money, if I met the perfect mate, if I found a job I loved, if I didn't have to work, if I lost (put # here) pounds... Before you read any further, put your if down on a piece of paper.
I can't have any children and I read a lot of blogs having to do with infertility. Most of the women are able to overcome their infertility and finally become pregnant. Some will happily have a sucessful pregnancy and become mothers. Some, like myself, will become mothers through adoption or some others will chose to live child free. I'll get off the subject for just a moment to emphasize what I just said there...some will chose to live child free. Although infertility is not a choice, living child free is. Adoption is not for everyone and I understand that, but if one decides it is not for them, it is a decision that they made. If one can not afford adoption through private adoption, there are plenty of children who need parents through the foster program. And hate me for saying this or not, if you don't qualify for adoption, perhaps it is best that you are not a parent.
Back on the subject now. A lot of blogs I read have to deal with the sadness that goes along with not being able to conceive and/or have a child. I get that, I do. I certainly had my moments of unhappiness that came along with the trials of surgeries and procedures, negative results and pregnancy losses. Along those same lines, however, I wasn't depressed, nor was I in a constant state of sadness. After the loss of one pregnancy, I greived, I was sad, I cried...a lot, but I mourned my loss and was able to move on. I don't call that depression, I call that a normal response to a very sad event. What I've noticed lately are posts from women who were able to finally get pregnant and now have a healthy child/children, but after a few months or so realize that they are still not happy. Along with these blogs, I've also noticed women who feel that they will be happy once they are able to finally get pregnant and have a baby. I so want to scream at them, NO YOU WON'T.
Often one falls into the trap of thinking they will be happy only if. I fell right into that trap as well, thank God I realized the trap before I decided I wanted to have children. What I mean by trap is that external things, including people don't make you happy. We see it everyday, the celebrities that appear to have it all, money, fame, power, and yet are completely miserable. They turn to drugs, alcohol, sex to numb to emptiness that they feel. I've always known this and I think a lot of people know this as well, but they still don't get it. I know I didn't.
I think the problem for me was, if all these things won't make me happy, what the heck will? I mean, doesn't it seem that it's all the external things that are making me unhappy, I hate my job, I could lose a few pounds, my husband is being a jerk, etc..... Well, I still hate my job, I still think I could lose a few pounds, and my husband still acts like a jerk sometimes....but I'm happy. I make a choice to be so.
I mentioned in the previous post that now that I'm a mother, I am happier than I've ever been. I also realize that if I wasn't internally happy, being a mother could also make me sad, angry or even depressed. Being a mother is demanding, children up to a certain age are very egocentric. They don't intentionally give much back, they are takers by their very nature. Being a mother/parent in and of itself will not make you happy, as it is with power, fame, money, beauty or as I said, fill in the blank.
So here is my question, as I always have...if most of us realize this and a lot of us do, why is it that we still act the way we do? Why do we still think that "this" will solve our problem and then we will be happy? Now cross out what you wrote down. Trust me it won't.
I can't have any children and I read a lot of blogs having to do with infertility. Most of the women are able to overcome their infertility and finally become pregnant. Some will happily have a sucessful pregnancy and become mothers. Some, like myself, will become mothers through adoption or some others will chose to live child free. I'll get off the subject for just a moment to emphasize what I just said there...some will chose to live child free. Although infertility is not a choice, living child free is. Adoption is not for everyone and I understand that, but if one decides it is not for them, it is a decision that they made. If one can not afford adoption through private adoption, there are plenty of children who need parents through the foster program. And hate me for saying this or not, if you don't qualify for adoption, perhaps it is best that you are not a parent.
Back on the subject now. A lot of blogs I read have to deal with the sadness that goes along with not being able to conceive and/or have a child. I get that, I do. I certainly had my moments of unhappiness that came along with the trials of surgeries and procedures, negative results and pregnancy losses. Along those same lines, however, I wasn't depressed, nor was I in a constant state of sadness. After the loss of one pregnancy, I greived, I was sad, I cried...a lot, but I mourned my loss and was able to move on. I don't call that depression, I call that a normal response to a very sad event. What I've noticed lately are posts from women who were able to finally get pregnant and now have a healthy child/children, but after a few months or so realize that they are still not happy. Along with these blogs, I've also noticed women who feel that they will be happy once they are able to finally get pregnant and have a baby. I so want to scream at them, NO YOU WON'T.
Often one falls into the trap of thinking they will be happy only if. I fell right into that trap as well, thank God I realized the trap before I decided I wanted to have children. What I mean by trap is that external things, including people don't make you happy. We see it everyday, the celebrities that appear to have it all, money, fame, power, and yet are completely miserable. They turn to drugs, alcohol, sex to numb to emptiness that they feel. I've always known this and I think a lot of people know this as well, but they still don't get it. I know I didn't.
I think the problem for me was, if all these things won't make me happy, what the heck will? I mean, doesn't it seem that it's all the external things that are making me unhappy, I hate my job, I could lose a few pounds, my husband is being a jerk, etc..... Well, I still hate my job, I still think I could lose a few pounds, and my husband still acts like a jerk sometimes....but I'm happy. I make a choice to be so.
I mentioned in the previous post that now that I'm a mother, I am happier than I've ever been. I also realize that if I wasn't internally happy, being a mother could also make me sad, angry or even depressed. Being a mother is demanding, children up to a certain age are very egocentric. They don't intentionally give much back, they are takers by their very nature. Being a mother/parent in and of itself will not make you happy, as it is with power, fame, money, beauty or as I said, fill in the blank.
So here is my question, as I always have...if most of us realize this and a lot of us do, why is it that we still act the way we do? Why do we still think that "this" will solve our problem and then we will be happy? Now cross out what you wrote down. Trust me it won't.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Parenthood, Finding Purpose and Happiness
It's been a while since my last post as life and especially work tend to take me away from writing. I work full time and have a daughter who just turned one. Parenthood has been everything I expected it to be and nothing I expected it to be all rolled into one. I no longer live for myself!..and for me that is a good thing. I've read the articles, I've seen all the Oprahs, etc, etc...you have to put yourself first, you can't give up your life for your children, don't lose your identity, if you don't take care for yourself, you won't be good for them. When I chose to become a parent, I choose to put another person before myself, it didn't just accidentally happen. I no longer have hours of relaxation time, I haven't been to a movie in over a year, I haven't worked out in over a year, I don't get my hair done as often as I use to and my yard, which I use to work in on a regular basis has gone to crap, I have gotten sick more this year than I have since I was a child, and much much more than can be mentioned here... and I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER!! I have a beautifully amazing little girl who I love more than I ever thought imaginable.
For me happiness comes from taking care of someone other than myself. To live outside my own wants and needs and truly give. I haven't lost anything by giving up any of the above, I've gained much, much more. I no longer reside in ME ME land. I never realized how destructive that place could be.
So as always, this leads me to questions, questions about happiness and what it means to me and others. I find happiness in parenting. Now, I just didn't fall into parenting, I sought it out, I pursued it, I knew I wanted it and I jumped through major hoops to become one. Does that make me so much more appreciative of it now that I have it? Perhaps. I use to always wonder what my purpose was, why was I here, why did my existance matter. First I thought I was going to find it in my career, then I thought I'd find it when I got married, but neither of those things brought me true happiness. I never thought that giving up my entire life as I knew it and giving of myself so completely to another human being was so rewarding, but it was. It was exactly what I needed. I am not a taker, I'm a giver! Not a bad thing to discover. I use to think the more I had, the better I looked, the more I acheived, the happier I'd be...nope, not for me. So I found my purpose. Does that in itself bring happiness? If my career had been my purpose would I have been happiest at that point and motherhood would have simply made me unhappy? Here's the real shocker in all this, I didn't want to have children when I was growing up. My idea of happiness was not to be my mother, it was to be a successful career woman with a jetsetting lifestyle. I never really had a jetsetting lifestyle, but I was on a very promising career path. I wasn't happy. How could I have been so wrong?!
So are unhappy people living lives they thought would bring them fulfillment, but didn't. Is there purpose misguided? Will finding their purpose bring them to the happiness they are searching for? Is one's purpose and fulfillment that one thing that is the hardest for them to achieve, as it was for me and parenthood, or is reaching a purposeful goal all that much sweeter because it didn't just fall into your lap?
For me happiness comes from taking care of someone other than myself. To live outside my own wants and needs and truly give. I haven't lost anything by giving up any of the above, I've gained much, much more. I no longer reside in ME ME land. I never realized how destructive that place could be.
So as always, this leads me to questions, questions about happiness and what it means to me and others. I find happiness in parenting. Now, I just didn't fall into parenting, I sought it out, I pursued it, I knew I wanted it and I jumped through major hoops to become one. Does that make me so much more appreciative of it now that I have it? Perhaps. I use to always wonder what my purpose was, why was I here, why did my existance matter. First I thought I was going to find it in my career, then I thought I'd find it when I got married, but neither of those things brought me true happiness. I never thought that giving up my entire life as I knew it and giving of myself so completely to another human being was so rewarding, but it was. It was exactly what I needed. I am not a taker, I'm a giver! Not a bad thing to discover. I use to think the more I had, the better I looked, the more I acheived, the happier I'd be...nope, not for me. So I found my purpose. Does that in itself bring happiness? If my career had been my purpose would I have been happiest at that point and motherhood would have simply made me unhappy? Here's the real shocker in all this, I didn't want to have children when I was growing up. My idea of happiness was not to be my mother, it was to be a successful career woman with a jetsetting lifestyle. I never really had a jetsetting lifestyle, but I was on a very promising career path. I wasn't happy. How could I have been so wrong?!
So are unhappy people living lives they thought would bring them fulfillment, but didn't. Is there purpose misguided? Will finding their purpose bring them to the happiness they are searching for? Is one's purpose and fulfillment that one thing that is the hardest for them to achieve, as it was for me and parenthood, or is reaching a purposeful goal all that much sweeter because it didn't just fall into your lap?
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